We chatted with Kassandra Mourikis, a Melbourne-based sexologist and the founder of Pleasure Centred Sexology, about the complexities of sexual and pleasure-related shame. Kassandra is sex and pleasure positive, believing that pleasure is central to wellbeing. She aims to foster open, inclusive, and accurate communication about sexuality and pleasure while making these topics accessible to individuals who have been historically excluded from learning about and experiencing pleasure.

We were fortunate to sit down with her for a discussion on sexual and pleasure-related shame and how we can address it, both individually and as a society. Below is a snapshot of our conversation—we hope you find it insightful.

As a sexologist, can you briefly explain what sexual and pleasure-related shame is?

Shame involves the belief that your whole self is bad, wrong, or unworthy, and it can develop around experiences, thoughts, or desires related to pleasure and sexuality. It manifests as physical sensations—like a gut-turning feeling, intense heat, body aches, a racing heart, or feeling frozen and tense. When people experience shame, they often desire to become invisible, hide away, or fear being seen by others.

Why do you think people feel shame towards sex or pleasure, and where does it originate from?

Shame often arises in response to a divergence from societal norms and expectations, leading to feelings of unworthiness or self-loathing for not conforming to what they’ve been taught to aspire to—primarily cis, heterosexual, patriarchal, and Eurocentric standards. When people internalise these expectations and recognise that their experiences or desires don’t align, they may conclude that there is something inherently wrong with them.

Shame can also be triggered by trauma. Society sends strong messages that individuals are solely responsible for what happens to them, including the actions of others. These messages often manifest as victim-blaming, suggesting that harm occurs due to a lack of caution or strong boundaries on the part of the victim.

While shame serves as a protective function, urging individuals to avoid future painful experiences, it often leads to judgement and self-loathing, which can create additional pain rather than helping.

How common is it for clients to express feelings of shame, and how does it manifest in solo or partnered relationships?

Shame appears in nearly every person I’ve worked with. It’s a normal, integral, and sometimes protective emotion. When individuals face challenges related to sexuality or pleasure, they often interpret these difficulties as deviations from the norm, leading to feelings of being abnormal, worthless, or wrong.

Shame can manifest in many ways:

• A desire for a partner to “fix” themselves or their relationship because they believe it to be broken.
• Feeling unworthy of receiving pleasure (in any form) and restricting experiences of touch, food, play, rest, or relationships.
• Believing they are undeserving of stating their needs and enforcing boundaries.
• Intense anxiety around open conversations about sex and pleasure, making navigation in relationships challenging.
• Engaging in sexual encounters when they don’t want to.
• The belief that they must change to conform to societal norms before dating or seeking partners, fearing no one would desire them as they are.
• Responding with anger, resentment, or contempt for a partner, especially when that partner wishes to explore sex, pleasure, or discuss needs and boundaries.
• Experiencing overwork, carrying a heavy mental load, or being a perfectionist.
• Self-harm through overriding basic needs for rest, food, and comfort while fixating on negative or traumatic experiences.

What recommendations do you offer clients to cope with feelings of shame or guilt related to pleasure?

When individuals feel shame, they often internalise external sociocultural messages. Understanding how society reinforces these messages, and recognising that they didn’t originate from within, is essential. Shame is not innate; it is learned.

I remind people that the goal isn't to eliminate shame. It is an important, fundamental emotion that serves a purpose. Instead, the focus should be on regulating shame and making it manageable.

To achieve this, allow yourself to sit with shame. Notice how it manifests in your body, name it, and describe it—imagine what it might look or feel like. Let it pass without judgement. All feelings eventually fade if we let them. The natural tendency may be to avoid feeling, but this often leads to shame sitting unfelt in the body, potentially resulting in physical or chronic illness.

Being non-judgmental and kind to yourself allows you to sit with shame without inviting in other negative emotions. Understand the purpose of shame—it might be trying to motivate you or keep you safe from similar experiences. Recognising that shame may have once been helpful can aid in your healing.

Prioritising pleasure and learning to savour satisfying experiences, even if you feel undeserving, is key. By exploring and making space for pleasure, you affirm that your pleasure matters, that you are worthy of it, and you expand your capacity to experience sensations that you may think you don’t deserve.

How can we change our own or society’s attitudes towards sex and pleasure?

It starts with recognising and unlearning limiting social norms, as well as understanding the role we play in maintaining them. Advocating for accurate, critical, inclusive, and pleasure-centred sexual education is vital. We must call out harmful social norms and expectations that exclude or oppress marginalised communities, including LGBTQIA+ individuals, disabled people, and those who don’t fit Eurocentric beauty standards.

Practising consent in every experience and learning about the nuances of consent is also essential.

What are some ways to become more comfortable discussing sex and masturbation?

It comes down to practice. We can all talk about these topics more often—with friends, colleagues, family, partners, and online—to normalise that pleasure, sex, and masturbation are perfectly okay, as long as they are supportive and consensual.

Listening to, sharing, and following podcasts, social media pages, books, and resources that provide accurate information about masturbation and sex can broaden our understanding. It’s essential to include diverse experiences beyond heterosexual, cisgender pleasure and bodies. The more time spent in these sex-positive and pleasure-centred spaces, the more you’ll learn about diverse sexualities and desires, encouraging reflection on your own wants and needs.

You can find more information and contact Kassandra here: Pleasure Centred Sexology.