As many of the world’s greatest terms are, "Pillow Princess'' is a term coined by the queer community. Lesbian circles and queer women have been using the label for many moons to describe a type of ‘bottom’ who doesn’t really reciprocate some or all sexual acts. They kind of just lie there—perhaps on their pillow—and fully enjoy the other party’s sexual labour without exchange. Hey, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Lots of people are into pillow princessery; others, not so much. Are you a pillow princess? Here are five signs you might be.
1. You’re comfortable with a passive role
Anyone who is in bed with you should be so lucky, right? If you feel more relaxed, satisfied, and ‘right’ when you’re not actively participating in sex, that’s a strong signifier. And if everyone’s happy, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying being pampered.
2. You feel less inclined to initiate sex
Taking the lead? That sounds like work—no thanks. Pillow princesses often prefer their partners to be responsible for every step of the journey. That includes the sex itself, as well as all the important steps leading up to it. If you rarely take the initiative to start the engine, you might just be in line for the throne.
3. You prefer being on the receiving end
If your ideal sexual encounter involves lying back, getting comfy, and letting your partner do most of the work, you might well be a pillow princess. You might enjoy receiving oral sex, massages, adoration, and other forms of pleasure without feeling a strong urge to reciprocate immediately, or at all.
4. Your primary focus is on your own pleasure
What is sex without pleasure? It’s natural to want to experience pleasure during sex—some would argue that’s the whole point. But if your primary or only concern during sex is your own satisfaction, it could be a sign. If you find yourself uninterested in what your sexual partner’s likes, wants, or needs are in bed, there’s a good possibility you’re a pillow princess.
5. Your partner comments on the imbalance
To stress again, being a pillow princess is by no means always a bad thing; a lot of people actively seek out more passive lovers and enjoy the submissive/dominant dynamic. If, however, your sexual partner expresses that they aren’t feeling like their needs are getting met, you might run into a bit of trouble. Communication is essential in every dynamic. If one party isn’t enjoying the one-sided nature of the sex you’re having, you might be a princess needing to consider a slight change of behaviour or sexual partner.
Identifying as a pillow princess is not inherently negative by any means, but balance and communication are pretty crucial in most relationships. If you recognize these signs in yourself, consider checking in with your partner to ensure both of you feel satisfied and valued. Embracing your own preferences while also being attentive to your partner’s can lead to a more fulfilling sexual relationship for both of you.
