The longer you love someone, the more you think you know them. Their rhythms, their habits, the way they reach for you in the dark. You can predict the small things - the way they take their coffee, the phrases they repeat without realising. But somewhere in that knowing, curiosity often slips away.
We start mistaking familiarity for understanding. And that’s when relationships quietly flatten. Not because anything went wrong, but because we stopped asking questions.
Curiosity isn’t just something you feel at the start of love; it’s what keeps love alive. It’s what turns comfort into connection and routine into intimacy. Staying curious about someone you already know is less about finding something new and more about learning to look again.
1. Notice what you’ve stopped noticing
Everyday intimacy can make us blind. We see the same person every morning and every night and somewhere along the way, we stop really looking.
Try noticing them as if you didn’t already know them - the way they hold their glass, how they react when they’re deep in thought, what lights up their face when they laugh. Observation is a form of attention, and attention is the quietest kind of love.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel writes, “Love is about having, desire is about wanting.” When we think we already “have” someone, we stop reaching for them. Staying curious means recognising that even the people closest to us are still changing and still becoming.
2. Ask questions that don’t have obvious answers
We often stop asking our partners questions once we think we know the answers. But people don’t stay the same. Their fears, wants and curiosities evolve and staying close means keeping up with that evolution.
Instead of “How was your day?” try “What did you find most interesting about today?” or “What’s something you’ve been thinking about but haven’t said out loud?”
These aren’t interview questions but rather they’re invitations. They make space for imagination and for surprise. They remind both of you that discovery doesn’t end with time; it just changes shape.
If you want help starting, LBDO’s Journey Deeper: Intimacy Edition cards are designed exactly for that - to open up new layers of conversation between partners who’ve already shared years together.
3. Stay curious about yourself too
It’s hard to stay interested in someone else if you’ve stopped being interested in yourself. Desire and curiosity are reciprocal so the more you explore your own inner world, the more you have to bring back to the relationship.
What have you outgrown? What do you crave lately? What kind of connection are you hoping to feel? When you keep rediscovering yourself, you invite your partner to rediscover you too.
Perel often reminds couples that “eroticism is the antidote to deadness.” But eroticism isn’t just sexual; it’s aliveness. It’s the energy that comes from curiosity, humour, and surprise.
4. Don’t fill in all the blanks
Long-term love teaches us to finish each other’s sentences, to anticipate moods before they’re spoken. It’s comforting but it can also quietly erase the mystery that keeps relationships vibrant.
Try holding a little space for the unknown. Let your partner reveal themselves instead of assuming you already know what they’ll say. Sometimes the act of not interrupting - of letting someone finish a thought - can reignite respect, patience and fascination.
Curiosity isn’t about interrogation; it’s about awe. It’s trusting that there’s more to the person you love than what’s already been revealed.
5. Change the setting, not the person
It’s not always the relationship that needs refreshing, sometimes it’s the context. Take a walk somewhere you’ve never been. Cook dinner in silence. Go to a gallery, or sit across from each other in a café without your phones.
Different settings can shift the way you relate. They loosen patterns, spark conversation and let you see your partner outside the usual script.
It’s in those unscripted moments that curiosity finds its way back. When you’re reminded that the person sitting across from you is both familiar and endlessly unfolding.
6. Let time reveal, don’t demand it
Curiosity can’t be forced. It’s a practice - a gentle one. It’s not about reinventing your relationship every week, but about staying open to the fact that there are still things you don’t know.
Maybe it’s a story from their childhood. Maybe it’s how they react to loss. Maybe it’s how they’re changing right now, in ways they haven’t even named yet.
The truth is, no one ever fully knows another person and that’s not a flaw. It’s an opportunity.
