Nothing is scarier than a ghost. And we’re not talking about the floating white sheet that says ‘boo’. Ghosting is loosely defined as ‘abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation’, and unfortunately these days it’s a very common, and pretty unethical phenomenon. While it’s ok to end things with someone, and for any reason, ghosting is a particularly cruel way to do it. Especially for people with any sort of abandonment or self-esteem issues, ghosting can be extremely triggering, as the ‘ghostee’ is left with no real closure, rationale, or guidelines for how to proceed, or what they ‘did wrong’. Consensus is that it’s almost always better to know than to not.
If you’ve been ghosted, you’re not alone. Here are three stories from other survivors who have lived to tell the tale.
Julia, Actor
“I met a guy through a mutual friend when we were auditioning for a role. We were flirting, sparks were flying, we exchanged numbers and he asked me for a drink. I thought ‘great, I’m going to get laid’, and lo and behold, I was right. We had a nice tipsy night together and ended up sleeping together that night. And again the morning after. Before I left, he said how nice of a night he had had and that he would love to do it again. We kissed goodbye and a few days later I returned the sentiment via text. Something like, ‘Hey thanks for a fun night, would love to do it again soon.” Then, crickets. Days later I swallowed my double-text pride and followed it up. Nothing. I think I ended up sending one more text to the tune of ‘Fuck you, you could have just said you weren’t interested after sleeping with me, twice, I really wouldn’t have cared, but now you’ve made me feel like an idiot.’ Needless to say, I never heard back. Asshole.”
Alex, Marketing Coordinator
“I worked with this person for over ten years. We had a great friendship, but there was a fair bit of underlying sexual tension that built over that time. I think the naughtiness of having a thing with a coworker, albeit in different departments, added to the lust of it all. After a work event one night we finally consummated our long standing yearning. I thought it was amazing, I don’t know what they thought because afterwards they stopped talking to me. I tried chatting to them in the hallway the week following and it was so excruciatingly polite it was like they had never met me. I ended up leaving that job and they didn’t even sign my goodbye card. Not knowing what happened will honestly plague me for the rest of time.”
Martha, Social Worker
“I was actually the ghost in this scenario, and I feel bad about it to this day. I was seeing a girl very briefly before she moved interstate. I decided to visit her in Adelaide for a weekend, and we had a fine time, but I felt in my gut that it wasn’t right. When I got home, I didn’t know how to kindly break it to her that I didn’t want to continue the relationship, so, to be honest, I took the coward’s way out. I just stopped responding to her messages and calls, figuring she would work it out eventually. I found out later through a mutual friend that she had bought me a fiddle-leaf fig (that she named Martha) that she was going to give me next time she saw me. We never saw each other again, and apparently her housemates and her threw a celebration when Martha died of natural causes. I don’t blame her.”
Ending things with someone is never comfortable, even if you go about it in the right way. Vanishing might seem like an easy way out, but more often than not, you’ll be doing more harm than good to the other party, and creating a lot more anxiety for them than necessary. Generally the best course of action is owning how you’re feeling, and communicating that transparently to the other person. But remember, honesty without kindness, too, is brutality.
