Introducing In Touch - real stories, honest conversations and shared experiences from our community. Pleasure, connection, and sexuality are deeply personal. No two experiences are the same and there are endless stories of discovery, desire and self-acceptance waiting to be told. This series is about sharing them.
The numbers don’t lie: 1 in 5 women and 1 in 16 men in Australia have experienced a form of sexual violence. For queer people, the prevalence is even higher. While these kinds of statistics never cease to shock us, they also don’t tell the whole story – something that Eli, a therapist and peer support professional based on Bundjalung Country, knows all too well. For her, engaging in intimacy and self-love as an assault survivor has been a journey that she is keen to share. In telling her own story, Eli is shedding some light on a healing process that is experienced by many, but seen by few.
Growing up in rural Victoria’s bushland, sporty and no stranger to mustering cattle on horseback, Eli recalls feeling powerful and proud of her body and herself. Unfortunately, Eli’s experience of sexual violence began early, and would have a profound impact on her self-worth and identity.
“I started experiencing sexual assault from quite a young age. But the thing is, I didn’t recognise it as sexual assault. I thought that was just the dynamic between men and women – “that’s what boys do”. The main [experiences] were sexual coercion from partners; pressuring… being told how to look, to groom my body hair in a certain way, to have a certain physique, to wear certain clothing and to perform certain physical acts.”
While Eli was unable to name it at the time, the trauma she was going through was transforming how she saw herself and her sexuality, leaving her feeling trapped, ashamed, and with extremely low self-worth. Performing intimately quickly became tied to her own value; pleasing others was embedded as a way of gaining validation.
“It made me feel guilty and ashamed for having any form of sexual thinking. I felt dirty and like I had no sense of freedom or liberation. I know this is going to sound wild but I used to not be able to get aroused unless I was being “manhandled” because that is all I knew and associated love-making with.”
The feelings of shame and guilt that Eli had internalised stayed with her as she matured. She describes feeling disconnected even during moments of pleasure, and sometimes overwhelmed afterwards.
“After orgasming, I would often just break down and cry and not want to be anywhere near my partner. Because of this, it was something I actively avoided for a long time.”
The turning point in Eli’s story came when she did what was, to her, the hardest thing to do: sharing with those closest to her. And while she sourced strength from finally speaking openly about her trauma, Eli also came upon refusal and resistance in some unexpected places.
“Sharing my experiences with my friends is literally what saved me. They’re the ones that made me realise that past events were not okay. They taught and showed me true unconditional love, safety and respect. I didn’t know anything different, so I had no idea that what was being done to me was assault.
But I also want to highlight that it was invalidating at times. If you are sharing with people who have had similar experiences to you, or have been brought up with internalised misogyny, they.. may even think the experiences you had are normal and justifiable. Simply, because this is what they are taught.”
Eli’s reconnection with herself and her body on an intimate level has been a more multifaceted journey, featuring EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy to process her trauma (“life-changing”), focussing on the things she loves (“painting, upcycling, eating yummy food”), and intentionally setting aside time to encourage and take notice of different sensations in her body.
"For me, a toy that can be used on various parts of the body, rather than
focusing only on specific erogenous zones or penetration, can feel much less intimidating - especially for those who’ve experienced sexual violence."
When it comes to relationships, Eli’s has come a long way to rewiring her previous notions so that she seeks safety, respect and softness. But she acknowledges that, understandably, there are good and bad days. While the route to feeling consistently safe with partners is not linear, there is one thing she’s learnt that is now non-negotiable:
“Communication, communication, communication! I do not know what else to say besides this. Everyone is so different and being intimate brings up many things, regardless if they’ve been through sexual assault or not. People like different things, no one person is the same! Checking in to make sure others are not checking out – especially with first-time lovers.”
And as for how Eli feels about herself these days?
“Pretty fucking good – still a lot of work to be done, but I am excited for that. I am so proud of myself for the love and compassion I have for myself now. I have a pretty high sense of self-worth and filter people out of my life who do not respect my boundaries.”
Her work as a therapist and in peer support have instilled in Eli the importance and the power of lived experiences being used to demystify challenging issues in other people’s lives. To this end, she has a few words of advice for anyone who has also experienced sexual violence:
“To know you are not alone. You are worthy of all the love, respect, warmth and safety. It is not your fault and never was. You are worthy of respectful love. Talk to your friends. Find a therapist. Find a support group.
There are people who want to help you and can help you.”
We thank Eli so much for sharing her story with us.
Resources:
1800 RESPECT
Provides confidential sexual assault and family and domestic violence counselling via phone and webchat.
Phone: 1800 737 732. Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
