For many people, the idea of mutual masturbation might feel unfamiliar or even a little awkward. It’s not often talked about openly, yet it can be one of the most intimate and honest sexual experiences you can have with a partner. At its core, it’s about being seen and learning more about how your partner experiences pleasure - while also feeling comfortable showing them how you experience yours. Mutual masturbation isn’t about putting on a show. It’s about being honest with yourself - and letting someone else in.
If you’re curious but unsure where to start, here’s a beginner-friendly guide to help you explore the practice with comfort and clarity.
What is mutual masturbation?
Mutual masturbation means pleasuring yourself while being with someone else who is doing the same. You might be lying side by side, facing each other, on a video call, or in any other setting that feels comfortable. You don’t need to touch each other - although you can if you both want to. What makes it different is the shared experience of self-pleasure. It’s intentional. It’s something you choose to do together.
This kind of intimacy can work well in many situations - whether you’re seeing someone new, in something more established, or connecting across distance.
What you can learn from it
Watching someone touch themselves gives you a clearer understanding of what they like. You see how they do it, what they focus on, and what they respond to. That kind of insight can be difficult to get from a conversation alone. It can also be incredibly arousing. Seeing someone you’re into enjoy their own pleasure - in their own way - can be a powerful turn-on. At the same time, it gives the other person a chance to learn more about you. If you’ve ever struggled to explain what you enjoy, this is a direct way to show it.
Taking the pressure off
Because each person is focused on their own body, mutual masturbation can help reduce pressure or performance anxiety. You don’t have to worry about whether the other person is enjoying themselves or if you’re doing it right. That can make the experience feel easier and more relaxed - especially if you’re reconnecting after a break, recovering from something physical or just not in the mood for penetrative sex.
This kind of shared experience can feel intimate without needing to go any further. And it can be just as meaningful.
Introducing toys or products
This is also a great way to introduce toys into your intimate life. Using something like the Essensual Vibe or a water-based lubricant like Flow during mutual masturbation can open up the conversation around solo pleasure and what feels good. It removes the sense of secrecy that sometimes comes with toys, and allows both people to learn more about what works without it feeling forced.
Seeing how your partner uses something, or showing them how you use it, can create trust and curiosity. It can also make using toys together later feel more natural.
Getting started
If you’re interested in trying it, begin with a simple conversation. You don’t need to overthink it. Saying something like, “I’d like to try this with you,” or “Would you be open to exploring this together?” can be enough. Keep it light, honest and open.
Create an environment that helps you feel comfortable - whether that’s turning off bright lights, lying under the covers, or just making sure you won’t be interrupted. There’s no right way to set the scene. The goal is to feel at ease.
When you begin, focus on your own body. You don’t need to perform or do anything differently just because someone is watching. It’s okay if it feels a little awkward at first. That often fades with time. If it helps, keep eye contact, talk about what you’re doing, or simply stay quiet and let things unfold naturally.
Once you’re done, take a moment to check in. You might want to talk about what felt good, what you noticed, or what you might want to try next time. These conversations help build trust and can make the experience easier to revisit in future.
