You can’t stop thinking about them. Every message sends a rush through your body. Their absence feels like withdrawal. It’s intoxicating, consuming...even addictive. But is it love, or is it something else entirely?

Limerence is a state of obsessive infatuation, one that mimics the early stages of love but thrives on uncertainty, fantasy and emotional highs and lows. It isn’t the steady, grounded connection that love grows into; it’s the restless, urgent pull of longing, a feeling often mistaken for something deeper.

What is limerence?

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term limerence in the 1970s, describing it as an involuntary fixation on another person, marked by euphoric highs when they reciprocate attention and crushing lows when they don’t. Unlike love, which is built on mutual connection and reality, limerence feeds on possibility. It flourishes in the unknown, in the waiting, in the spaces where affection is ambiguous and validation feels just out of reach.

Limerence thrives on idealisation. It’s the way you replay their last text, searching for hidden meaning. It’s the way your mood rises and falls with their attention. It’s the way the idea of them - who they could be, what they might feel - becomes more powerful than the reality of the relationship itself.

Limerence vs. love: How to tell the difference

One way to tell if you’re experiencing limerence rather than love is by noticing how much of your experience is happening in your mind rather than in real life. Love is shaped by time, trust and shared experiences. It involves seeing a person as they are...flaws, contradictions and all, and still choosing them.

Limerence, on the other hand, often feels strongest when the other person is unpredictable or unavailable. The more uncertain the connection, the more intense the longing. This is because limerence activates the brain’s reward system in the same way as addiction. The rush of a moment of attention is followed by withdrawal when that attention fades, keeping you hooked on the cycle of seeking more.

Love is steady. It doesn’t rely on highs and lows, and it doesn’t leave you feeling anxious or uncertain. Limerence, in contrast, is exhausting. It’s wanting someone for the way they make you feel, rather than for who they actually are.

Why do we experience limerence?

Limerence isn’t just about attraction, it’s psychological. It often emerges when someone represents something we feel we are missing; security, passion, self-worth, and we project onto them the ability to fill that gap.

It can also be shaped by attachment styles. Those with anxious attachment often experience limerence more intensely, mistaking emotional turbulence for passion. And uncertainty plays a huge role. The "will they/won’t they" dynamic keeps dopamine flowing, making the chase feel more thrilling than the connection itself.

Breaking free from limerence

If you recognise yourself in these patterns, the first step is awareness. Ask yourself:

• Am I in love with this person, or with the way they make me feel?

• If they suddenly became fully available, would I still feel the same pull?

• Do I want them, or do I want the chase?

Limerence fades. Unlike love, which deepens over time, limerence is unsustainable. The fantasy either dissolves when the other person becomes real, or the fixation fades as the brain adapts to the lack of reciprocation. The key to moving forward is shifting focus back to yourself - building a fulfilling life where your emotional wellbeing doesn’t depend on their attention.

When you step away from the cycle of longing, you may just find that what remains is something far more fulfilling than limerence could ever offer.