Have you ever felt held back by fear in the bedroom? Or found yourself critiquing your performance instead of enjoying sex? Sexual insecurities are a normal part of life; we never got taught how to do it, and comparing our sexual performance to that of pornstars certainly doesn’t help.
We sat down with sex and relationships coach, Elisa Caro to talk about how to enhance our sexual self-confidence.
Elisa, what can we practise outside the bedroom to enhance our sexual self-confidence?
Something that you can do is to connect with your body throughout the week, use your body. So, it could be dancing, singing, it could be having a bath or doing yoga. Even going for a walk without a podcast, in silence, and feeling in your body. Don’t feed the mind when you’re doing an activity, this supports you to connect with your body.
You can also try activating the erotic outside of the bedroom. So that can be done in a sensual way by seducing yourself in front of the mirror. Flirt with other people, talk about sexuality. Give yourself a sensual massage. Or even just, when you put your face cream on, do it in a more sensual and present way. Activating this part of you when you’re not just in the bedroom having sex means you don’t feel awkward in your sexual self. You feel very at ease.
Also, love your body. It’s very useful to learn how to love how we look and how we are, and to appreciate our body in its depth. But maybe we need a whole article on how to do that!
What can we practise inside the bedroom to enhance our sexual self-confidence both with long-term partners, and with casual partners?
My answer is quite similar for long-term and casual partners. First and foremost, it’s important to enhance our sexual self-confidence by learning how to make love with ourselves. Then we feel empowered to use that knowledge with any lover, whether it’s long-term or casual. When you learn things about sexuality, you can practise it, and it will support you to feel more confident.
The second thing is to try exploring different parts of your sexuality, sexual fantasies, exploring dominance and submission, game and play. Exploring different things can broaden your sexual horizons.
And the third thing that you can practice with a partner, whether it's casual or not, is communication. Communicate what you want, need and desire. Also, ask the other person. If you’re in your head thinking, ‘am I doing this right?’, just ask. Then you’ll be able to get out of your own head, relax into the experience, and feel more confident.
How can we make the bedroom a safe space for the people we are sleeping with? How can we make others feel confident?
Boost their confidence! You can give them compliments about the way they look or smell, the way they’re touching you. Say ‘I love how you’re touching me’ or ‘I feel deeply attracted to you’.
Also, communicate and ask for feedback. Communicate in a clear way what you want and need, so they know where you stand, and know your preferences, so they’re not in their head and second guessing either.
Also, try to keep shame out of the experience. If they express a fantasy or lose an erection, be accepting. Don’t put pressure on a partner either, to achieve orgasm or try something they don’t want to try.
What can we do after sex to make people feel good? What is a good aftercare practise?
It’s important to stay connected and open after sex. Avoid abruptly disconnecting. Cuddling, eye-gazing, or sharing positive feedback about the experience will help round off the sexual experience and help the other person feel safe. You enter into sex gradually and it’s important to take the same care when coming out of the experience.
I always tell my clients to ask about aftercare before making love. It’s good to manage expectations and express how you like to be cared for as well. What do you need after you make love? Talk about sleeping over, texting, and calling after. Talk about what you both need.
After sex, the other person is often very open, so giving negative feedback or complaining can really hurt. If you want to talk about how to improve the experience next time, save that for much later and not immediately after.
Why is it important to feel confident in the bedroom? How does it improve our sex life, and our life as a whole?
I feel so passionate about this question. Harnessing sexual energy for healing, empowerment, and to enhance your life is my motto; pleasure and orgasms are just a side effect.
Feeling more confident in the bedroom makes people feel more confident in their skin and in their body, and it helps to unlock a deeper connection with themselves and be more open with others. It ripples out into the rest of life.
It makes people more creative, assertive, and empowered. I see it over and over again with my clients, how sexual self-confidence radiates out into how they walk down the street, how they close the deal at work, how they feel more radiant and confident with their partner.
It’s a superpower we are undermining. And I feel very sad that we are not harnessing it. Sexuality is a part of who we are, and I’m so happy to be working towards breaking the shame so that we can really welcome that part of who we are.
Enough of diminishing our own power. Enough.
*Elisa’s answers have been paraphrased for length.